Blog, Margaret one year on 
No Comments Sunday 31 January 2016
Up sharp with a fairly muddled brain with so many thoughts running through it. I think I had come to my own decision that Margaret would not be coming home to Carrick Drive. There is always hope that she might pull through. I had my breakfast and immediately got out the Mission Praise Hymn book and worked on a selection of hymns to pass on to the minister that morning in church.
Attended church to some strange looks as many had been in formed of where Margaret was. I told them that I needed a time on my own in the church just for this hour at least to get myself back in gear and give me my time to reflect on what I felt was going to unfold over the next few hours/days with sadly no positive outcome being likely. I arranged with the session clerk Maureen Sharp and the minister Mr Graham Atkinson for 5 minutes to update them after the service. I handed over my choice of hymns with an order to be decided if required. I knew that the minister was intending to visit Margaret on Tuesday but I told him that I did not think she would last that long.
A quick lunch and back across to the hospital. The Minister arrived just behind us and read the 23rd Psalm and spoke some lovely words in prayer for Margaret and our family he spent a few moments talking to us.
There was only one thing on my mind now was to hope that Matthew was still on schedule to get across from Schipol and Glasgow to see his mum. I spoke privately with the doctors to see if at all possible there was anyway we could keep her going till Matthew arrived I felt she was that close now mid afternoon.
As luck would have it Philip got in touch with Matthew in his hotel and after a chat Matthew texted a message across to Philip for him to read to his Mum. We gave him the space for him to do that a very difficult moment for Philip but I am so pleased that they both had thought it through.
Steven arrived with Yvonne and Sandra Margaret’s sister late in the afternoon. Steven told me that he did not go home but left when Janice and David arrived. He said that Margaret had asked for me but he told her that I had gone home to rest and would be back soon.
The time is now past 4 pm and we have just heard that Matthew is on route with Fiona from Glasgow so afar so good he might make it soon.
We were all round the bedside trying to not get in the nurses way with Philip holding his Mum’s hand when he looked to me and just says “She has gone” time is around 4.30 pm.
We had to wait for the usual confirmation from the doctors whilst we were outside Philip left to meet up with Matthew down stairs.
Matthew came in a few minutes later we knew it would be touch and go but it was not to be – it was very difficult to console him and Fiona, I allowed them to go in and sit with Margaret before the staff had to carryout some further checks. When Matthew came out we had re really nice family huddle and a few words expressed at Margaret’s passing from this world.
On returning to the room I immediately collapsed my legs would not hold me up any more – a short rest and few extra hands on me a glass of water and I was OK.
There was some time taken now in a relatives room for us to discuss a few things of where we were going from here. Leaflets obtained re bereavement etc and procedures to be followed.
We all did leave eventually for home a very dramatic day.
Weeks thoughts
The M8 travelling through to Edinburgh became a lonely place with very little said on our journeys. The week unfolded in such dramatic ways – firstly with the call and Margaret rallying round and then slipping back further with some discomfort.
It was very reassuring that Margaret and I had discussed at length over the many years what IF happens so I was ready to answer those questions to carry out Margaret’s wishes.
However when that time comes are you as prepared as you think you are when those question arise – I made so many promises to Margaret over our time together and this was one that I was determined to not let her down. Since her MS diagnosis in 1982 and her subsequent worsening following two previous hospitalisations her quality of life was her main concern.
As I went to bed that night it became even more obvious that a void had opened up for me- I had spent the last week hoping that yes maybe but then realising that it was not going to happen this time – space beside me that is so huge after all those years together through thick and thin – birth of three sons watching them grow up and our grandchildren.
All I can say in closing this day you did it Margaret and thanks for allowing me to share it with you.
